MY BEST FRiEND MADE ME CRY
And turned me on—at the same damn time
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK
“You’re making me cry. And you’re turning me on.”
“At the same time?” my best friend laughed.
“Yes. At the same time,” I wiped my tears away as I shifted in my beach chair.
We stood on his roof. The type you only get up to by jimmying the NO ACCESS ALLOWED door. Tar and gravel still sticky from the day’s heat. The guts of the building were behind us—metal pipes, dishes, AC units and vents.
Just us two in our beach chairs, beer cans in hand (warm). Beer cans on the ground (crushed). Slices of the city’s skyline peeking through. One of the final days of summer, and the setting sun wanted to make sure we knew it.
He asked me why. I couldn’t explain it then. All I could do is get up and hug him and tell him in between sobs that I loved him and I was happy for him.
Then I went home and I wrote this:
Oh Ryan.
Earlier today, you said you were taking a leap of faith.
That by proposing to Ava...you were committing yourself to that life. The rest of your life.
I’ve seen the way that her love has transformed you. I can assure you that that life is the best of your life.
You may think no one notices you two but you two. But I can’t help but look. I swear I do.
All those little moments I’ve witnessed. The muffled laughs in the corner. The hushed whispers at dinner. The dancing off to the side. Catching each others eyes across the room and forgetting the rest of us are there.
All the medium moments you’ve told me of. Starting that Chinese New Year tradition together, making the big bowl of long noodles to share. The thrifting for the new place and all the fun that was. The plants you two have rescued from the sidewalk. The way you took her voice memo and turned it into a song, just for her.
And all the big moments, I’m sure you’ll never tell me. The private topography of your love. The peaks and the valleys. The rest of us won’t see the landscape...but we know you two walk it hand in hand.
The way you talk about it all. The excitement. The hope. The responsibility. The sacrifice. The fear. The weight. The promise. The trust.
I was in the presence of someone channeling something divine. No wonder it makes you nervous. You really treasure the union—and you’re just praying that you live up to your end of it all. And you will. Because you have the courage. Not all of us do. Not yet, at least.
You asked me why I was crying? And why my basest desires were also stirred? Because you reminded me that my heart and my heat is drawn to the love you two have. And it makes me so happy, so fucking happy, that you two have it and are holding on to it. Putting a ring on it. Saying let’s grow this, baby. I was overflowing with reverence for your energy.
Yet at the same time, it makes me sad in a way. That I feel so far from that love myself. I have no doubt I’ll find it. At times I have. But for one reason or another, it didn’t go the distance.
So keep it up you two. I need mom and dad happy, not just for themselves, but also as a shining example. You see your love is so powerful, it radiates. The rest of us? We look to you and think, look at all that love waiting for me.
Your love is a testament. Your love is a beacon. Best of all, your love is yours.
Forever.
Forever ever?
Forever ever, brother.
